How Can I Teach My Kids about Money - When I Can’t Give Them Everything?

You know that look on their face when you say no? It's quick, it's quiet. But it hits you hard, doesn't it? And suddenly it's not about that toy or that trip or those shoes.You internalize it, and it feels like I'm not enough. I should be able to give them more. Am I failing them? If you've ever carried that guilt as a parent, today is for you.Because saying no doesn't mean you're a bad provider. It might actually mean you're a wise one. Hey, friend. Ralph Estep Jr. Here.This is Financially Confident Christian, where every day we're working to break that cycle of financial shame and do it with confidence. And today's topic hits close to home for me, because a couple months ago, my wife and I found out we're going to be grandparents.And the first thing my wife said is, you realize something, Ralph? Our grandchild will get everything they ever wanted. I said, hold a second. We got to slow that down a little bit.But today I really want to lean into that. I want to talk about teaching your kids well when you can't give them everything. And I get it, as a parent. We want to give them everything.But that might not be the best answer. Well, let's get right into today's listener question. Ralph, every time my kids ask for something, I have to say no. It breaks me a little.I see that disappointment in their faces, and I feel like I'm failing it. And, Ralph, that guilt is crushing, like I'm not providing what they need or deserve. How do I set boundaries without feeling like a bad parent?Yeah, I want to teach them well, but I can't shake the shame every time I can't give them what they want. Wow. I get it. My boys are 24 and 28 now, and I look back, and we were fortunate. I got to be honest with you. We were fortunate.But I didn't give them everything they wanted. But I want to tell you this right now. Your job. Hear me on this one. Your job is not to give your children everything. That's not your job.Your job is to prepare them for anything. See, that's the difference. But then you're saying, okay, Rob, how do I make this work so I don't feel guilt? First thing you've got to do.And I use this with adults, too. Separate needs from wants, because there is a difference. Do it clearly and do it calmly. Because here's the problem.Kids don't automatically know the difference because the kid will always say, I need this. I Don't know how many times I've been at the store.My youngest child would grab a hold of my pant leg and just pull me through the store and I would just drag him all the way across. Daddy, I need this. Mommy, I need this. Well, he didn't understand the difference, and that's not his fault. But as a parent, we've got to teach that.We've got to teach them that. Needs are things like food, shelter, clothing, safety and love. Those are all things. We all need those what our kids need, and so do I.Wants are trends, wants are extras. And when you say no to a want, you're actually protecting your family's stability. And see, that's the key to the whole thing.That's provision, that's not failure. But now you're saying, wait a second, Ralph, but I still feel this guilt. So how do you break that guilt?How do you replace that guilt with teaching moments. Instead of saying this, and my mother used to say this all the time, God rest her soul, but she would say, we can't afford it.But that wasn't really true, and that was a guilt thing for her. But I think you could flip the script. Try something like this. We're choosing something more important right now.When you're at the grocery store and your little one says, oh, daddy, I need this, I need this. This is a great teaching moment.Turn to them and say, okay, I understand that, but listen, if we do that, that means we can't go to the park later or we can't take that trip to Disney World we've been planning. Because when you show them the trade offs, show them the other positive side of it. Maybe for you, you're teaching them how to save.One of the biggest things my mother did for me is got me one of those piggy banks. And she would say to me, okay, Ralph, she said, here's 50 cents. Now I'm dating myself at 53, but here's 50 cents to buy a toy.Or she would say, but wait a second, you could always put it in your piggy bank. And I would think, oh yeah, I could put my piggy bank. And when I get home, I could shake that thing and hear that clank and a change.Maybe for your kids, you got to say to them, listen, this means we stay out of debt if we don't buy this. As your kids get a little older, you can say things like, hey, this protects our home. You're teaching them long term thinking.And see, that's what your role as a parent Is your role as a parent is to teach them life skills, not to fulfill every want and desire of their lives. They don't need all those things. Well, here's one thing you can really do. I think this is a beautiful thing to do.Give them ownership in small ways if they want something. We did this with our youngest. Create a savings jar and then offer some small chores. Now he got a little crazy with it. I'll tell you a funny story.Never forget he wanted to buy something and he got the idea that he needed to save for it. And we said, well listen, here's what you can do. You can help your mother do this, you can work around the house.Well, I guess a day or two later he came to me and his mother. He says, listen, I've written a menu. And we both looked at each other like a menu. What are you talking about?He said, I got a menu of things I'm willing to do for you. And he had a menu. It looked like you'd get what you get at a restaurant. And he said, foot rub, 10 bucks, clean the bathrooms, 20 bucks.He took it to an extreme, but I love this idea. Match part of what they save to work. Because that's the thing I think we miss out on. That lesson then becomes work.You work for things, it becomes patience. You set aside your patient for things. And it's all about goal setting. We live in one of the most instant gratification times in our lives.This is all about breaking that non that cycle of instant gratification and really building character muscles with those with them. They're going to need those character muscles the rest of their lives. Here's another thing you can do. Model peace instead of panic.So many parents, and I'm not picking on parents because listen, I've been there, done that. Our children absorb tone more than content.If every time you tell them no it feels like shame filled or if you do that, they're going to attach fear to money. That's not a good life lessons.But if you say something like this, listen, listen, little Johnny, not right now, we're okay, but we can't do that right now. What do they learn from that?They learn that we're stable, they learn that we're safe, and they learn that we're steady because that emotional response teaches more than that purchase ever could. When my mom said we can't afford that.Give you a little bit of the backstory when my dad left when I was 8 and I became sort of the man of the house and I internalized those things. So when my mom said to me, we can't afford that, I went into worry mode. You don't realize you might be putting your own kids into worry mode.So stop tying those emotions to that. And here's the big takeaway. Remember what they will actually remember. Think about it yourself.You remember all the toys you had to have, all those Christmas gifts, those toys, you had to have them. You're not going to remember most of them. You're not going to remember those things.You're not going to remember that ball you had to have at the store. You're not going to remember those shoes you had to have. But what you will remember, like I just shared, you're going to remember how you felt.They're going to remember if the home felt secure, and they're going to remember whether you were present there in their lives. Because provision is never measured in packages. It's measured in stability and it's measured in love.And when you create those boundaries, you know I said one of the needs you have is love. Boundaries are love in action. So here's today's win for you. The next time you have to say no, and I'm going to encourage you.Say no to your kids, you can say to them, I listened to Ralph and Ralph said it's okay to say no. But when you do say no, add one teaching sentence, something like, we're choosing long term peace over short term stuff.That's your opportunity to reframe the moment for them. But even bigger than that, you reframe it for yourself and you break that cycle of guilt. Let's talk about a little bit deeper.Let's go to the Book of Proverbs, chapter 22, verse 6, probably the most famous verse about children. Again, Proverbs 22:6. It says, Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they're old, they will not turn from it.See, even the scripture tells us this because shaping their character and wisdom matters more than satisfying every request of their little innocent lives. Let's pray together. Lord, you've entrusted these children to us as parents and you see the weight that we carry.So when guilt rises, Lord, remind us all that provision is more than purchases. Give us wisdom to teach patiently give us courage to set those loving boundaries even when they feel sort of uncomfortable.And help us all have homes that feel steady and not strained. And let all of our children grow up knowing that we may not have had everything, but we sure had what mattered. And we ask this in Jesus name. Amen.Listen, friend, you're not failing. You're forming them and you're bringing them up in the way that they should go. Well, if you've got a question for this show, I'd love to hear it.Go to financiallyconfidentchristian.com/question we'll put that in the show notes. You can even leave us a voicemail by going there also. But go to financiallyconfidentchristian.com/questionwell, thank you so much for joining me today. As I always say, stay financially savvy. May God bless you. And you have a great day today.