How Do I Stop Feeling Guilt When My Kids Ask for Money?

Have you ever said no to your child and instantly felt like you were failing them? Like love should mean saying yes even when your budget is saying no.If today you're carrying that tension between being a good parent and being financially wise, I'm going to bring you peace to that moment on today's show. Hello, friend. Ralph Estep Jr. Here.Welcome to Financially Confident Christian, where every day we're trying to break that cycle of financial shame and live in confidence. And today I want to talk about how to set loving financial boundaries with your children.I got this voicemail, and it just absolutely nailed today's topic. So let me play that now.

Hey, Ralph. Hi. This is actually my first time calling in. I've been listening for a little while, and I really appreciate the show.I just wanted to ask you about something I've been dealing with lately. Whenever I have to say no to my kids about sports fees, I feel it right away, like this knot in my chest.I really do want to give them those opportunities, but I also know our finances aren't super flexible right now. And I keep going back and forth in my head, like, am I being responsible or am I holding them back?I don't want to make decisions out of guilt, but I also don't want to go too far the other way either. I just want to handle it in a way that's steady and still feels loving.So I guess I'm just wondering, how do you say no in those moments and still feel confident you're doing the right thing? Thanks, Ralph. I appreciate it.

Well, listen, I appreciate you sending in that voicemail call.And if you're interested in joining the voicemail, you can go right to financiallyconfidentchristian.com voicemail and we'll put a link in the show notes. But thank you for sharing that. And that feeling right there, I know that knot in your chest felt that so many times.As a parent, what you're feeling is love. What you're feeling. There is a parent who cares. But I want to shift something for you.Saying no to your children doesn't mean you're failing your child. So many of us have believed in this system where, you know, if I say no, I'm letting them down.I want you to flip that script right now because sometimes it means you're leading them. And honestly, sometimes the word no is the biggest gift that you can ever give them. So here's the big idea for today.Those loving boundaries that we need to set. You heard me say it. We need to set. They don't limit your children. They prepare them for real life.Let's talk about how to do this, because this is not easy. This is a very tough call today. We got to start by redefining what it means to provide. So many of us think good parents say yes.Good parents provide every opportunity for their kids. I can't even count how many times my kids have thrown that in my face. Well, if you were a good parent, dad, you would do this.If you were a good parent, you would buy this. But real provision, deeper than that. Real provision is stability, consistency, wisdom, security. Those aren't things you can buy.Those are things you have to provide from here, from your heart. You're not just providing experiences. You're providing a foundation. We talked about that a lot on the show the last few days.It's all about building that foundation. But you're still feeling that guilt, aren't you? So you've got to start to separate your child's feelings from your responsibility. Guess what?Your child may feel disappointed. That's real. If you were to ask my two boys, I guarantee they would tell you that they felt disappointed all the time when they were kids.Oh, we wish we had that latest Xbox or I'm dating myself. Can't remember what the big things were back then. But even in that disappointment, that doesn't mean you made the wrong decision as a parent.Hey, as a parent, you're responsible for making wise decisions. You're not responsible for moving. Every moment of discomfort. And learning to hear no is part of growing. Okay, Ralph Rain here for a second.We live in a world where children are told yes way too many times. Yes to this, yes to this, yes to this. The reality of our world is that resources are finite. There's only so much to go around.And we've got to show our kids that there are times when we will tell them no. Because there are times in their own life where they're going to have to say no to something. We live in this echo chamber of yes.But the truth, the reality, is on the ground. Your kids need to hear the word no. But when you communicate that, communicate it with honesty and love. You don't have to hide behind vague answers.You can be very specific with your kids. You can say things like this. I would love to do that, but it's not something that we can afford right now.That's perfectly acceptable to say that to your kids. That's not letting them down. That's not being wrong about it. Maybe you say things like, we're making choices as A family to stay strong financially.But here's my admonition to this. Just be careful with this, because you can take this to an extreme and put a lot of stress on your kids.I know a lot of parents, and unfortunately, my mother was like this. She put this financial stress on me, something I had no ability to control whatsoever. So think about the way you're communicating this.You're not shutting them down. You're not telling them, oh, no, that's a never. You're inviting them to have a better understanding of what you're doing. And guess what?That's where you teach your children how to make wise decisions. When you share with them the thought process.When you share with them the understanding, One of the best ways you can do that is to offer alternatives when it's possible. Sometimes you don't have to say no completely. It could be a different yes.I want to give you some ideas because we've got to teach our kids how to pivot. Let's say you're at the toy store. Been there, done that.Instead of saying to your kids, no, we're not buying that, maybe say this, not today, but if you really want that toy, let's start a savings plan for it. You're not saying no, you're saying to, look, here's an idea. You really want this toy? Cool.Let me help you figure out how you can set aside some of your allowance money. Or maybe you're working, cutting grass or whatever that is. How do you build that? Maybe they're always asking for fast food or treats.It's easy to go into default mode and say, no, we're not getting that. But maybe you say this, we're not doing that today, but we can make something fun at home together.Teach kids that creativity over that impulsiveness. Here's one that you're going to battle. I battled this with my kids all the times wanting something their friend has.How many times have we heard that one? Well, Sally has this, my friend Jim has this.And it's so easy for us to go to our default of, you don't need that, but that's not going to teach them anything. Say this to them instead. I get why you want that.Let's talk about whether that's something you really want long term or you're just trying to fit in right now. Maybe you've got a big birthday or a holiday request. My youngest son was great at this.He would give us his list for Christmas stuff that was a mile long. And so many times we would just Say to them, look, dude, that's too expensive.But maybe the better teaching moment is say something like, that's a big item. So if it's important to you, we can make that your main gift and we can plan ahead for that.Because then you're teaching them prioritization and trade off. Maybe you've got a child that wants money for something right now, and sometimes it's easy to get in our pockets.Just say, here, I'll be done with it. Get away from me. I can't figure this out. But that's not a good teaching moment either.Maybe you say to them, I'm not just going to hand it to you, but I help you figure out how to earn it. That'll turn the tables really quickly. Maybe you've got a kid with too many activities. You mentioned this. Sports fees.Sports fees are driving parents crazy right now. I see kids running themselves ragged and the parents are like Uber drivers.So instead of saying to your kids, no, you can't do that, maybe say to your kids, look, you got a lot going on right now. If you want to add this, what are you willing to give up? I know when I was a kid, I played a sport in every season, but I didn't play seven of them.Here's another big one. Screen time. A lot of parents just say, oh, no more games. You're not teaching them anything. Or maybe you want some new game purchase.We're not buying that today, but you can use your allowance if you decide what it's worth. You want to change the dynamic with your child? Make them spend their own money that they worked hard to get to. Here's a big takeaway from this.With your kids, it's not just about saying no. Saying no is easy. That's the easy part. It's about showing them there's a wise yes in that.So every time you say not right now, it's a chance to teach them how to think, not just what to do. But I want to get back to your question. You got to release that guilt and you got to embrace the role God gave you.So let's talk about your heart, because the guilt that you're hearing is going to whisper things. You've already said it, Ralph. I'm letting them down. I should be able to do more. But that's not the truth. Hear me.God entrusted you with your children. The children that you have are a gift from God, and they're not a gift to give everything they want. Your goal, your job, is to guide them wisely.Your job is to teach them. Your job is to protect them, and your job is to lead them. And sometimes love looks like saying no. So remember, you're not failing your children.You're actually faithfully leading them. So here's your win for today.I want to encourage everybody to write down one boundary you need to hold with confidence, just one, and then remind yourself this is an act of love, that no is an act of love. Well, let's get right to our Bible verse today. Here's Matthew, chapter 7, verse 11.If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him? God defines good parenting not by giving everything, but by giving what is truly good and is truly wise for your children.That's the key to the whole thing. Today, let's pray together. Heavenly Father, I lift up my friend who wants to love their children well. And Lord, you see that desire in their heart.You see their desire to provide and to protect and to do what's right for their children, Lord. But I want you to really help them find peace in this.Give them peace in the decisions they have to make and replace that guilt that they're feeling with confidence and replace that pressure with clarity.And Lord, help us all to lead with wisdom, to speak with love, and to truly trust that we're not failing our children, but we're faithfully guiding them. Give us all strength in those difficult moments and remind us all that you are with us every single step of the way.We love you, Lord, and we ask this in Jesus name. Amen. Friend, your children don't need perfect provision. What they do need is faithful leadership. And it's gonna be you that needs to provide that.And maybe right now you're navigating those hard no moments and you just want some guidance. I'd love to hear what's going on in your world. You can leave me a voicemail by going to financiallyconfidentchristian.Com/voicemail.We'll put a link right in the show notes. You can just click and go there. But again, that's financiallyconfidentchristian.Com/voicemail. Because I'd love to help you.Thank you so much for joining me today. Stay financially savvy. May God bless you and you have a truly great day today.