How Do I Stop The Money Fights?

How can something as practical as money feel like it's tearing your marriage apart? Sure, you try to talk about bills, but every time it turns into a shouting match.And now your body is carrying stress like a weight that you just can't set down.But today on the show, I'm going to talk about what you can do next to finally lower the heat and to rebuild safety around money and maybe save your relationship. Hey, friend. Ralph Estep Jr. Here. This is financially confident Christian.This is where we break that cycle of financial shame and try to find true confidence. And today's topic is so important for so many people in a relationship, and that's how to stop money talks from becoming fights.Let's get right to today's question. Ralph, I really need your help. My husband and I fight about money all the time.It seems like every time we talk about about money, it ends up in a shouting match. We're barely even speaking to each other at this point. It's affecting my emotional and my physical health at this point.And I don't know how to change this constant stress. There has to be a better way. Well, let me start by saying thank you for your honesty. And yes, there is a better way.And I hope I'm going to give you that better way today. Because before you fix the budget, you've got to restore safety in the conversation because that's really what today's all about.This isn't about money today. I'm putting on my counseling hat today because what we're really talking about is safety in a conversation. Let's talk about how to get there.First thing you've got to do, you've got to name the real enemy. If you're listening, you're watching right now. You're thinking, oh, Ralph, I got the answer. The enemy is the money. No, that money is the trigger.The real enemy here is fear. Fear is fueling that enemy. It's not you versus him. It's none of those things. It's both of you versus this pressure.It's both of you, dare I say, facing this fear. But you've got to name that it's not. Well, my husband always spends or I always want to save her. He's always running up debtor.He minimizes what I'm saying. That's not the problem here. The problem here is the trigger is money. Sure, but fear is what's fueling it. It's both of you in this.First thing I'm going to recommend you do is put a stop the spiral rule in place. Now, this is easier said than done. This is hard work. Today's episode is hard work.But if you want to get somewhere, you got to put some rules in place. I've worked with many couples who have been through marriage counseling.Let me tell you right now, in my 30 years of experience, the number one cause of marital breakup is money. It is just it. It's money issues. Adultery, other things. Abuse. Yes, they're important things. I'm not mitigating them at all.But I will tell you, in my experience, the number one cause of marital problems leading to divorce and breakup is money. So if you want to make this work, you've got to stop the spiral. You got to agree on one phrase.One of the things I like to say is, I'm feeling flooded right now. I need a pause. If I say that to my husband, you're going to think I'm crazy.So maybe you're going to have to have some kind of rule in place that, like, wait a second. When voices start to rise. Time out, 20 minutes, half an hour, 24 hours. You gotta have to set that pause.Listen, we're not talking about this right now because where we're gonna go. And listen, I've been married 25 years. I know how to play the game. I know how to play the fight game. It never works out, does it? No matter as any.As many times you try, I'm gonna win this argument. You're not gonna win the argument if you lose the war. Number one, it's not a war with your spouse. Name that.But second, you gotta take a pause here, time out. And listen. Here's a little tip. Don't go another room and start texting each other either. I see a lot of people that.And listen, guilty of this one, too. Well, I've stopped the argument right now, but I'm going to the other room and I'm going to start texting her because I know I'm raped.The pause is all communication, verbal text, and all of it stops. That's where you got to start. First of all, who's the enemy? Secondarily, the pause. Now here's the biggest problem, though.If you think these things aren't going to happen, they're going to happen. So you've got to build in what I call like a check in. You know, you got to replace those money talks with a 10 minute check in.I firmly believe that you should set aside a certain time of the day, a certain time each week and have husband and wife or a partner relationship check in. You don't need this big elaborate agenda. Just 10 minutes. Ask yourselves both of these questions. What feels heavy right now?What in our finances is bothering you? What is. Because listen, it's about tension and fear. This is a time to be active listening to what the other person is telling you.So start with that question, what feels heavy right now? But then pivot to this. What do you need from me right now? Do you need comfort or do you need problem solving? And listen.It took me a long time to understand that sometimes when you're talking to somebody, they don't want a solution. They want to be heard. They want comfort. They want to feel like I'm listening. So be that active listener. Don't try to solve the problem.Just listen to them. Because here's the thing about this. A lot of times, this fear comes from way back times.Maybe they grew up in a childhood where the electric was getting shut off. They were always worried about was there going to be enough food. Maybe mom and dad were fleeting all the time about money.You bring that with you as much as you think you don't. You bring that with you and you bring it to your relationship.So sometimes a person just needs to have a hug and say, listen, I understand what you're saying. I didn't live in that. I don't know what that feels like, but I understand the fear that you have.And then as a group, as a couple, decide what's one bill or one decision we can handle this week. Don't try to solve all the problems. Just pick out one thing that you can celebrate as a win.And the thing is, you got to make it smaller than the whole marriage. See, this is the problem with a lot of people. When they find themselves in this situation, it becomes an all or nothing situation.This marriage is done because we can't get on the same page financially. And then it becomes this huge marriage conflict. You don't need to go there. Just pick one category because maybe these are the stress points.Here's a big one right now. Groceries. I'm going to talk about groceries in the next couple days. But this is a huge source of stress because the price of groceries goes up.And guess what? You got to eat, right? And this causes stress.Well, maybe you pick that category and I'm going to talk to you in a couple of days about how to break that cycle of that grocery budget. Maybe for you it's bills. You see the bills come in and it's overwhelming to you.Like, we kind of stop the bleeding route and these bills come in it just makes you angry, it makes you fearful, it creates that tension. Maybe for you it's, you've got to pay that debt off. Maybe you got this mountain of debt and you're like, can't stand having this mountain of debt.The shadow of that is on me all the time. It's driving me crazy. But as a couple collectively battle that together, choose that one decision that you can agree on today.Yes, we both agree we can save money with groceries. Here's what we can do. We can plan better, we can, we can do the whole. And like I said, I'm gonna talk about that in the next couple days.But maybe the bills and you've got a better plan for maybe set up automated payment for bills or maybe set up that debt plan, whether it be the snowball or the avalanche plan. And then write it down. Stop that restarting of the fight. And once you talk about it, another little pro tip here.Don't use that as ammunition to fight the person again. If you've come up with a decision, you better put that in writing. Put it decision, put it out there.Because you've got to protect your health with a boundary that honors the relationship. That's what we're really talking about. Like I said at the beginning, this isn't about money today.This is about how do we make the relationship strong again. How do we build that comfort into the relationship? How do we make sure the other person is being felt and heard and understanding.Set up some rules for yourself. I love this rule. I won't do money conversations when they're shouting. Listen, like I said, I've been married 25 years. My marriage is not perfect.And here's the thing. I will tell you time and time again, when you're shouting at each other, you're not getting anywhere.If you're shouting at each other, you might as well walk in the other room because guess what, it's not going to work. So maybe for you have a rule.We don't do money conversations when they're shouting, when we're angry, when we're upset, maybe we're going to say, look, when this happens, we go to our check in time. We got to check in every Friday at 9pm what we do, we take 10 minutes and that's what we're going to talk about. This. We're not going to re engage.We're not going to continue that text battle, the text war I call it. You have texting, text terrorism.If it's unsafe or it's escalating, maybe you're in a relationship and you're like, Ralph, we've tried all these things, we just can't get on the same page. Listen, go talk to your pastor. Pastors deal, listen. Pastors deal with this all the time. I deal with this kind of stuff all the time. Reach out to me.I'm happy to talk to you and your spouse. Go see a counselor and listen if there's any intimidation or threats, I'm not going to talk a lot about that today.But if you're living in a relationship where there's intimidation or threats, prioritize your safety immediately. If things are getting out of control, go for a ride, go for a walk. Get out of that situation. I'm not a counselor.I'm not trying to give you any counseling advice. But if you find yourself you're being intimidated or you're being threatened, I'm not minimizing that right now.Prioritize your safety because none of what we're talking about makes you crazy today. This is your nervous system asking for peace. Well, here's your one win for today.I want you to write one sentence and I want you to keep it ready for when this happens. And this is what I want you to write down. And I'll put this in the show notes today. I want you to think about this. Memorize this.I love you and I want peace. Start there. I love you and I want peace. Can we do a 10 minute money check in on blank at blank. Friday at 9. Whatever.Listen, everybody schedules different. Maybe after church on Sunday's a good time.Make sure you're doing it a time when you're not hungry, you're not tired, you're not upset, you're not fighting with the kids when you first put the kids down. And if you're a young couple, it's not the time to do that. That's the time to decompress.You've got to really think strategically, intentionally be out. Why do I do this? Because in the end, we want to shift that momentum from conflict to structure and to safety. So that's my good takeaway for it today.Let's get right to our Bible verse. You know, I always want to land us in scripture and reinforce what we talk about in Scripture. This one comes to us from Proverbs chapter 15, verse 1.And let me tell you right now, this one is perfect for today. Again, Proverbs 15:1. A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. That one fits today, doesn't it?Because God is giving I love it when God gives us something practical. And man, he is laying on the practical thing today. What's he say? A gentle answer, calm answer, thoughtful answer.He's telling us to lower the temperature. So before you turn up the temperature, he's saying to you, don't have those harsh words.You're not going to solve this problem with harsh words and back and forth texting and I'm going to win this battle. A gentle answer, carving out that time to talk about it. That's how you solve this not math problem. As I said, I hope you agree with me at this point.It's not a math problem. It's a relationship communication problem. That's where we got to go.How about we pray together, Lord, you see the tension in our homes and you see how heavy this feels in our bodies and in our heart, Lord, how I just ask that you would give us wisdom today and peace right now for this moment. Help us to slow down, help us to breathe and help us to choose gentleness even when our emotions are surging, Lord, we know what that feels like.Teach us to trust you with our needs, Lord, and trust us with our future and help us that fear that's underneath of that fighting. Because we do recognize that, Lord, it's not that we don't love this person. It's not that we don't want to work things out.We just, we have this fear, Lord, help us to break that fear.And Lord, we just ask that you would bring healing to our communication and protection over all of our marriages, Lord, and give us courage to ask for wise support, Lord, when it's needed. And I ask this in Jesus name. Amen, friend. I want you to hear this. Peace can start small.Just one pause, one gentle answer, one gentle sentence, one structured step. But you can get to that today. If you're in that midst of fighting, reach out and get some help. You don't have to live like that anymore.And if you've got a question for the show, I would love to hear your questions. What really feeds me on the show? Go to financiallyconfidentchristian.com/question we'll put that link in the show notes, but it's super simple.Just go to financiallyconfidentchristian.com/question just tell me what's going on. Tell me what's on your mind and I'll answer your question on the show. You don't have to tell me who you are.Don't need to know that. Just tell me what's going on. Because chances are somebody else is feeling the same way you're feeling.And if you're getting value from the show and you're like, well, Ralph is really onto it now, do me a huge favor and share the show with somebody. Just send them a text, send them an email and say, hey, I know you're battling something right now financially. I know this guy Ralph.He does this show. Financially confident Christian. Just check it out. And as I always close today, stay financially savvy, my friend, and God bless you.And you have a great day today.