How Do You Talk About Money With Your Spouse Without Fighting?

Have you ever sat in your car in the driveway and you're just dreading going in beside. Because you know that money talk is waiting for you?Kind of feels like you're walking into a minefield where one wrong word explodes into a shouting match or worse, icy silence. If you feel like your spouse is your financial enemy instead of your partner, hear me clearly.You're not alone feeling that way, and your marriage is not broken. And today I'm not going to give you a lecture.I'm going to give you a tool today, something you can use this very week to lower the temperature and rebuild trust. Today we're putting down the weapons, and we're picking up a simple deck of prompts that turns money tension into teamwork. We rise. Hey, friend.Ralph Estep Jr. Here. This is financially Confident Christian, where every day we're working to break that cycle of financial shame and live in confidence.And today's topic is one that hits so much for so many of us in relationships. It's stopping those money fights. Dare say stopping them before they even start. And it really comes down to changing the format of the conversation.But this came about because of a listener question. So let's get right in today's listener question. That's what the listener wrote. Ralph, I am so tired of fighting about money with my spouse.Every single conversation turns into an argument. And honestly, I don't know how to fix it. We're supposed to be partners, but it feels like we're enemies when it comes up.How do I even start this conversation without everything falling apart? And I almost felt like I could have sent in this question.And I bet so many of you watching or listening right now are thinking, ralph, man, I deal with this all the time. But here's the thing I want you to really lean into today.Money fights calm down when you make the conversation feel safe and structured, because that's what we're really talking about today. We're talking about communication. Communication is the answer to today's big picture question. But I gotta.I gotta lean into this a little bit because, listen, my wife and I have been married 25 years and we still battle with this. So if you've been married for a while, you've been with your partner for a while, you're thinking, ralph, wait a minute. You got a special answer.I've got a framework today. I've got something that will help, but I don't want you to be discouraged. But I also want you to be realistic.You're not going to solve these issues overnight. I don't have some secret pill. You take this and it's solved. This is an ongoing process, but let's get right into how do we get to that?The first thing we've got to do is we've got to reframe the real issue, because 90% of the time, maybe, dare I say 95% of the time, it's not money. Now, it could be what money brings about. See, most money fights are about safety. I don't feel safe. I'm worried about this. They're about control.I don't like being controlled. Or maybe you're the one that likes to control everything.Guilty of me, I was a control guy a lot of times, and for a lot of people, it's that feeling of being alone. It's not the dollars. What I hear from couples that I work with, that I counsel.Most times there's one spouse that feels like they're all alone in the money decisions. All the stress comes back on. And the problem is a lot of times one spouse hears $50 and they think, Freedom. Oh, this is great, $50.But the other person hears that same $50, and the siren lights go off. They hear a threat. So if you want to be effective in this, you've got to change the format. That's what we're really talking about today.It's the format that's got to change before we can even try to change the numbers. I'm not saying that there aren't places where we may need to change numbers, but, man, we can't get there until we change the format.Because if it starts like a courtroom, if you walk into a conversation with your partner and it starts off with these words, you always it's going to end like a war. That's how courtrooms start.What you've got to really do at the front end of this is you've got to build that connection, because that connection will lower your defenses faster than any amount of data that you can ever supply to them. But if you start off with, you always stop what you're doing, walk away and start over, because you're getting nowhere with that.Which leads me to my Money Huddle Deck. And I want you to really consider this today. Instead of some spreadsheet of financials and all that, that stuff's great. There's a place for that.But right now, I want to tell you, you can get a copy of our Money Huddle Deck by joining our free community.That free community is founded financiallyconfidentChristian.com/join and I'm encourage you to get that today, but I'm going to give it to you again. It'll be in the show notes. It's financiallyconfidentchristian.com/join let's talk about that money huddle.It's just 10 minutes, two questions and one decision. And this money huddle is all about prompts that help you understand before you correct something.So once you get that, you're going to follow four rules that keep it peaceful. Let's get right into those. You can always go back and listen to this again. But we're going to start with one card each. That's really the key to this.Just one card. We're only taking a little piece of this at a time. And each of you gets 60 seconds. This isn't time to pontificate.This isn't time to list all the terrible things that have happened. This isn't a time for speeches. It's also not a time for fixing. It's only a time for listening things like tell me more or reassuring.That makes sense. Again, one card, 60 seconds each. It's not about fixing. It's about understanding and building that communication. And we end with one we sentence.And that is the critical part of this. What is your one we sentence? Because we're a team here. Something like this this week we will. Maybe for you. You want to build that emergency fund.You want to find some joy in that joy fund, whatever that is. But it's we will not. I will or you will. We will. So start with those connection cards. It's not about correction.You could start off by saying something like this to your partner. Here's one Money stress I'm carrying. Here's one thing that would make me feel safer. Don't open it with why did you spend or why did you do this?Just talk about how you're feeling. One Money stress. I'm carrying one thing that would help me feel safer. Because in the end, hear me on this. You're not enemies. You love each other.You wouldn't be together if you didn't. There's just a problem that you can face. But listen, you're going to be so much stronger when you face it together. Trust me on this.The couples that I've worked with, when they face financial challenges as a team together, there's so much stronger in that. So today's win is actually going to be pretty simple. I want you to go get your huddle deck cards. It's not some complicated deck of a thousand cards.Really simple. When you see it, you'll understand go to financiallyconfidentchristian.com/join. You'll join our community. It cost you zero.If you want to make a donation, you're welcome to do that. We have some additional levels of that, but this won't cost you a dime. We'll put it in the show notes.Again, it's financiallyconfidentchristian.com/join. And when you get those cards, I want to encourage you schedule one money huddle this week. Just put it right on the calendar. Just 10 minutes.Like I said. One card each, 60 seconds each. No pontificating, no speeches, no long drawn out things, no fixing, just listening, communicating.And end with one we sentence. This is the key to this. This week we will. And here's one of the things I want to encourage you to do.If you go get those cards and you join our community, put in that there's a chat in there this week we will. And share those things with other people in the community because we can all benefit from that. So I'm going to encourage you right now to go do that.Once you get those cards, set aside those 10 minutes and tell me what's going on in your life. Let's get to our Bible verse today. I always want to ground us in Scripture. And this one comes to us from the Book of James, chapter one, verse 19.My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this. Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.Now listen, I'm going to read that again because you may have kind of tuned that out, but I want you to listen to what this says because James just nails it again. My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this. What is he saying? Pay attention.Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. See, money peace starts when you listen first and you lower that temperature. That's right, from the Bible. Well, how about we pray together?Heavenly Father, I lift up the marriage represented by the person listening right now. You know the tension, you know the fear, and you know the words that have landed hard in their relationships.So Lord, I just ask right now that yout would bring youg peace into their home this very week. Soften their hearts, Lord, and help them see their spouses as a partner, not an enemy.Give them the strength to listen first, to speak gently, and to choose understanding over winning.And Lord, we just ask that you will replace anxiety with your assurance and just heal what money stress has wounded and rebuild that trust through small, steady steps. And we ask this in Jesus name. Amen. Friend, I want to encourage you right now. You can't fix everything today.I wish I could tell you I had a magic way to do that. I don't have any spell to do that. But what you can do today is you can make the next talk safer.This, what we've talked about today, can make that next talk safer. And if you've got a question for this show, I am all about answering questions. You can see that fuels what I do here.If you've got a question for this show, go to financiallyconfidentchristian.com/question. That'll be in the show notes, but I'm going to give it to you again right now if you want to write this down. Financiallyconfidentchristian.com/questionthank you so much for joining me today. Stay financially savvy. God bless you. And you have a great day today. Make sure you join me again tomorrow on the show.