What Do I Do When My Spouse and I Can't Agree on Debt Priorities?

Money is cited as one of the leading causes of divorce, but it usually isn't the numbers that pull couples apart. It's the lack of a shared vision.And if every conversation about debt feels like a battlefield, it's time to stop fighting each other and start fighting the debt together. So today on the show, we're learning how to turn financial conflict into a threefold court of unity. Hey, friend. Ralph Estep Jr. Here.Welcome to Financially Confident Christian, where daily we're trying to break that cycle of financial shame and help you truly find confidence. Today's all about finding confidence, and it's about moving from opponents to teammates in the battle against debt.Let's get right to today's listener question. Listener wrote this. Ralph, every time we try to talk about debt payoff, my spouse and I end up in a fight.We have different priorities, and it gets tense fast. I'm tired of the fights, but I also can't just ignore this.How can I start the conversation differently so we can actually be a team rather than opponents? I truly need us to find common ground, but right now, it feels impossible. I think all of us can appreciate where this person's coming from.They want to get the debt paid off, but they feel like whenever they talk about it with their significant other, it just becomes a problem. So here's the big idea I want us to agree to at the beginning. Unity in marriage is more valuable than any mathematical debt payoff strategy.We've got to start there. Yes, debt payoff is important. The math of that's important. But if we're not unified, the marriage isn't going to work.The relationship is going to fail. So we've got to figure out, how do we make this work for both of us? So let's talk about how we do that.The first thing we've got to do, we've got to shift the focus from tactics to dreams. See, tactics to me is a very negative word. I think about tactics, and I think, well, that's a way to beat somebody. That's a way to win a battle.But what I think we're talking about here is a shared vision, a dream. So before you argue about the snowball method or the avalanche method, here's one of the things I'm going to encourage you to do.Talk about what life looks like when you're debt free. Talk about the things you could do. Talk about the stress that will be relieved and the creeping. The relationship that would just blossom from that.Ask yourself, hey, what could we build for the kingdom if we didn't have this debt burden around us. Where can we travel? When you do those things, you build a shared why, and it reinforces the whole need to do it in the first place. So start.There is nothing you've got to accept. You've got to acknowledge your different money personalities. All of us are different.All of us have different personalities, especially when it comes to money things that I see all the time, husband and wife. One person's a saver, one person's a spender. We've talked about that on the show.One of you might be a security seeker, while the other one's a big dreamer. Now, I'm not saying that either of those is wrong, but both perspectives are needed to build a balanced plan.Because, yeah, you can be that super security seeker and every dollar is accounted for and everything is done exactly with the budget. But I don't think that's a very balanced plan. And the other person that's the dreamer is going to find resentment in that.So you've got to start off by acknowledging there are differences here. There are differences between you in the relationship over and above money. Embrace those things.Here's another thing I'm going to encourage you to do. Establish a neutral ground meeting.What I mean here is this is not the time to bring up debt when you're falling asleep or when you're rushing out the door. This is where I see a lot of people struggle.They got that bill in the mail, and then it becomes a fight on because, man, we got to figure out how we're going to pay this. That is not a good plan.This is not the time to ambush your partner at bedtime and say, hey, before we go to sleep tonight, we got to talk about something that's not going to work. Well, it doesn't work for me. I'll give you an example of this. Sometimes I love my wife. We've been together 25 years.But there are times about one minute before I fall asleep, she'll say, hey, hey, we got to talk about something. And I feel bad because I am not in a frame of mind. I am in the shutdown mode. I'm in the let's go to sleep mode. I'm not giving her my full attention.Don't do that. If you want to solve these money problems, schedule a money date.I like to do it somewhere away from home, in a neutral place like a coffee shop or park. Both of us need to agree to this. You got to agree to stay calm and curious and not get accusatory.We've Talked about that on the show before, which leads me to this. This is a technique you can use. This is very effective in relationships in general. And listen, I've learned this the hard way.Use I statements instead of you statements. This has been a real challenge for me. It's real easy for me to go to, well, you did this and you did that, or you spend too much.You spent this again, Ralph, I can't believe you did that. As soon as you hear the word you, the defense mechanisms kick in for the other person. Here's a way to change that feeling.Instead of saying you spend too much, try this. I feel anxious. When our credit card balance grows, you feel the difference there. It's not accusatory. In fact, it's the opposite.You're putting out their feelings of how you feel about this. And when you do that, it lowers those defensive walls and it invites collaboration with why? Because if you love somebody.Think about this for a second. I'm gonna take a little tangent here for a second.If you love somebody, you want them to not feel anxious, you want them to feel secure, you want them to feel strong in a relationship. And when they put it out there, I feel anxious. I know in my mind, I say, well, how can I help this person if this is the person I love?How can I make this person not feel anxious? It invites that collaboration. And practically, here's another thing you can do. Agree on a small win to get started.Sometimes it's hard to agree on the big picture. One of you might be the debt snowball. One of them, you might be the debt avalanche. And there are honest truths on both sides of that.But maybe what you got to do is pick the smallest debt or the most annoying bill and tackle it together. First, as we talked about just the other day, those immediate successes, they breed momentum and they build trust in each other.And a lot of times that's what we've got to start off with. We got to figure out, how do we build trust. Here's my encouragement for you today.A house divided cannot stand, but a couple United States can move mountains of debt. I've seen it in my own life. So here's your win for today. This week.If you've got a debt problem, I want you to sit down with your spouse for 15 minutes. Now, this isn't a time to look at a spreadsheet, but I want you to answer one question together.Here's the question, and we'll put this in the show notes. Also, what is one thing we could do for God's kingdom if we didn't have any monthly payments. Think about that for a second.What's the one thing we could do for the kingdom of God if we didn't have any monthly payments? I don't know about you, but that sounds like a really fun exercise. It's kind of like, what do we do if we ever hit the lottery?Do that same thing with your debts and just dream a little bit together. Share that experience together and think about the feelings you're going to have when you don't have that dip mountain in front of you.Well, let's get right to our Bible verse today. It comes to us from the book of Ecclesiastes, chapter 4, verses 9 and 12. Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor.If either of them falls down, one can help the other up, but pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. You know what this reminds us of? When you and your spouse invite God in. That's the third strand.When you do that, when you invite God into your finances, friend, you've got a strength that debt can never defeat. So I want to encourage you to do that today.How about we pray together, Lord, right now I pray for the marriage is represented by those listening today. Lord, where there is tension, I ask you to bring your peace. Where there's discord, bring your harmony.Lord, help these couples to see each other not as an enemy, but as a partner that you provided for their journey. Soften hearts, Lord, and open lines of communication. And may their unity and finances be a testimony of your grace and a foundation for their future.And I ask this in the name of Jesus. Amen, friend. You're not just paying off bills, you're building a legacy of unity. And that's what it's really all about.And I'd love to hear from you if you've got a story or a question. Hey, even if it's just a Ralph, I listened to your show and this is what happened.I would love to hear that and you can record that for me by going to financiallyconfidentchristian.com/voicemail put that in the show notes, but just click on that and share questions. Share a story with me. I love to hear from listeners.You might actually hear it on one of our future episodes, but it's financiallyconfidentchristian.com/voicemail and I just want to thank you so much for giving me your time. I count it as an honor and a privilege to serve you every day so stay financially savvy. May God bless you. And you have a truly great day today.