What Do We Do When One Saves, and One Spends in Our Marriage?

In almost every marriage, there's a saver and a spender. It's sort of a natural balance. But when it turns into a villain versus victim dynamic, your bank account is not the only thing that suffers.Your relationship does too. So today we're moving past the nagging and the guilt to find rhythm that honors both security and enjoy. Hello friend, Ralph Estep Jr. Here.This is financially confident Christian where my goal every day is to help you break that cycle of financial shame and find confidence in your decisions. Today's topic hits close to home for all of us who are married. And that's how to stop that saver versus spender war in your marriage.Wars are hard word to use, but I've seen some marriages that are wars like that. Let's get into today's question. Listener writes this Ralph, one of us wants to save and one of us wants to spend.And I'm so tired of being cast as the bad guy. Every time I try to talk about the future, I feel like the villain for wanting financial security.How do we create a plan that respects both of our needs without me feeling like I'm always the one nagging and ruining the fun? I want us to protect our future, but I'm exhausted from this dynamic. It's interesting as I've been working with couples for now over 30 years.This is such a very common dynamic. It's common in my marriage. I am definitely the spender, my wife is the saver. And it's been some battles over the years.And see, the thing we need to recognize is a healthy marriage needs the savers wisdom to protect the future and the spender's permission to enjoy the present. But now you're saying, Ralph, how do we do that? I got some ideas today. Let's jump right to those. The first thing is this.Validate the why behind the behavior. Most of the time, savers seek security and peace of mind. That's what their goal is. Maybe they came from a place that wasn't secure.They were always worried about what was going on. See, that's the thing we all bring with us. What we've learned as a child, what we've learned as a young adult, maybe even our first relationships.Now the spender. This is where the battle starts. A lot of spenders seek connection or joy through experiences. For example, I love to eat out.I could eat dinner out every single night. But it costs money to do that. It's expensive to do that. And my wife is like, wait a minute Ralph, we just ate out last night.So we came up with a resolution. We said, here's what we're going to do. We pick certain nights a week. That's what we do.I'm not saying that either motivation is sinful, but we've got to start understanding the emotional needs of each other and not see these as character flaws. Which means you've got to retire the bad guy badge. There is no bad guy. Stop using labels like cheap or frivolous.I hear those in when I have couples come in. And yeah, I do a lot of couples counseling, believe it or not, as an accountant. But replace that criticism with curiosity. Maybe ask your spouse this.What does having this money in the bank make you feel? How does it make you feel? And what does this purchase represent to you? Get rid of the labels. Nobody's the bad guy. Just get move past that.Here's a great way to do that. You can implement a no question fund money. I see this work in relationships and it works great.Create two line items in your budget, one for each spouse and that money can be spent wherever they want to spend it. They can save it, they can go have an experience with it doesn't matter, no explanations required.And when you do that, so many couples have told me to say rob, it eliminates the nagging for those small purchases. Now remember, it's got to be equal, it's got to be fair. And you both have to agree to the number ahead of time. Which leads me to this.Create some shared financial guardrails. If you are the saver, you need guardrails here.Agree on a specific savings goal, maybe like a three month emergency fund, but once that goal is met, agree on a reward purchase. Because we got to balance these things. Because when you do that, it gives the saver security and the spender something to look forward to.Because as I said, neither of you is right and neither of you is wrong. But you've got to make this a win win situation. One of the ways you can have those wins is to build a 24 hour rule. For any big purchase.Going to take a little planning, going to take a little discussing, but for any spending over a certain dollar amount, and I'm not going to tell you what that is for you, you've got to figure that out with your partner. But anytime it goes over that amount, you agree. We're going to wait 24 hours and we're going to pray about it together.Because what that does is it slows down the spender's impulse and gives the saver time to process the impact. You Might have to have some discussions. It's not the time to go to the car dealership and say, we got to get a new car. It's Saturday morning.Let's go buy a new car. I've done that a few times. Doesn't work out well. But here's the thing you need to understand. You're not opposite.So many people say, well, opposites attract. That may be true, but if you change the mindset and look at yourself as a balanced team, you're going to cover each other's blind spots.So here's your single win for today, and I give you a question to ask your spouse this very night. Ask your spouse this how can I help you feel more secure or joyful with our money this month without making you feel judged?Here's the key to the whole thing, though. Listen more than you talk. Just lay it out there and see what comes back to you. Remember, no badges, no judgment.Just what makes you feel secure or joyful with money this month without making you feel judged. I think you're going to be surprised at what your partner tells you.Well, let's get right to today's Bible verse comes to us from First Corinthians, chapter 13, verses 4 and 7. And I bet you know this one. You hear this at weddings a lot. Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy. It does not boast. It is not proud.It does not dishonor others. It's not self seeking. It is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.See, when you can apply that love chapter to your budget, you realize that protecting our spouse's heart is more important than winning a financial argument. That's really the big takeaway for today. Protect your partner's heart. That's really the answer today. How about we pray together?Lord God, I pray for the couple struggling with this constant tug of war. Lord, replace the spirit of frustration with a spirit of kindness towards each other. Help that Savior to find their ultimate security in you, Lord.Not in the bank account, not in the savings account. And at the same time, Lord, help. Help the spender to find their ultimate joy in your presence in their lives, Lord.Give them the words to speak life into one another instead of criticism and badging and and judging. And Lord, make their bank account be a tool that builds their marriage rather than tearing it down. And I ask this in Jesus name. Amen. Friend.I want to leave you with this. Your marriage is the most valuable asset you will ever manage. Manage it well. Now your questions for the show could help someone else too.I think this question today was perfect. There's a lot of people that probably thinking you know what, I'm so happy somebody answered that or asked that question.If you've got a question for the show, I would love to hear your voice. Not just the writing, you can actually record your voice. We've made it super simple for you.Go to financiallyconfidentchristian.com/voicemail put a link right in the show notes. You can click on the link and go right there. But here it is again. It's financiallyconfidentChristian.com/voicemail.We'll play your question on the show and we'll give you an answer. Well, thank you for joining me today. I encourage you stay financially savvy. May God bless you and you have a truly great day today.