What Do You Do When a Parent Seems Fine but Their Decisions Aren't?

Maybe you're living in one of the hardest kinds of uncertainty. There is not a clear crisis, not a clear diagnosis, not a moment where everybody finally agrees something is wrong.Just this long, confusing, heartbreaking gray area. Your parent still sounds normal. They can hold a normal conversation, and they still seem fine to people who only see them for a few minutes.And yet you've seen things changed. You've seen their judgment change. You've seen their reactions change, a trust change and decisions change.And now you're carrying a question that feels almost impossible. How do you protect someone you love when the danger isn't obvious enough for everyone else? But it's already obvious to you?That's what we're talking about on today's show. Hello, friend. I'm Ralph Estep Jr. And I want to welcome you to Financially Confident Christian.Today we're talking about something that is deeply painful, especially when money and family, aging and fear all get tangled together. So today isn't just about finances. It's about loving a parent.It's about seeing troubling changes and not knowing when concern becomes responsibility. And if right now you're carrying that kind of stress, I want you to know you're not overreacting just because other people don't see what you see.Let's get to today's listener question.Listener writes this Ralph I think my mom may have early stage dementia, but I'm stuck in this horrible gray area where she still seems mostly fine to everyone else. She's in her late 60s. She lives independently, carries on conversations normally, remembers names, goes to dinner with friends.If you met her casually, you probably wouldn't think anything was wrong.But over the last year or two years, her judgment and decision making have gotten increasingly bizarre and impulsive in ways that are very unlike her old self. Here's the biggest example.She recently made an offer on a house she openly admitted she had no intention of buying because because she wanted to prove a point during negotiations. She ended up losing almost $30,000 in earnest money over it. She still doesn't fully grasp why this was so irrational or alarming.There are also smaller things. She's accused my sister of trying to steal from her. She randomly accused me of trying to poison her. She's isolating from family and longtime friends.She spends tons of time inside of herself and blows off important engagements minutes before she's supposed to arrive. The problem is, I know she will absolutely refuse any suggestion of cognitive testing or even mentioning dementia.She interprets it as an attack or people trying to take away her independence.I'm terrified she's going to slowly burn through retirement savings or make some catastrophic legal or financial mistake before anything is bad enough for doctors or the rest of the family to intervene. Ralph, how do you get someone evaluated if they refuse? At what point do you involve attorneys and powers of attorney? Financial controls?I feel like I'm watching someone slowly remove the guardrails from their own life while everyone else seems to think she's fine. Thank you so much for sending that in. And actually we're going through that right now with my mother in law.She's actually in an advanced nursing care facility because she has advanced dementia. But in so many ways. I look at your email and it points to things that I saw along the way.And even in my practice, I've had to make that uncomfortable call to a family member and say, hey, your mom came in to get her taxes done and something just isn't right. And loving someone in cognitive decline often means acting earlier than what feels comfortable.Because waiting for certainty can become very expensive and. And very dangerous. So how do we address this today? I want to start by reaffirming something.You got to trust what you're seeing without becoming reckless. The kind of situation you're in is emotionally exhausting because you're dealing with patterns. Not one dramatic event.It wasn't like you said to me, hey, my mom was trying to go somewhere and she couldn't figure it out. A lot of cognitive decline starts in judgment. Like you've mentioned, impulse control, paranoia, and personality changes. Not just memory lapses.A lot of people think, well, they just forget things. That's not always where it starts. Sometimes it's in judgment or that impulse control or paranoia.And when someone can still sound normal in cannibal conversation, family members often second guess themselves. Wait a minute. I don't think there's anything wrong here. That house offer and that lost earnest money aren't just quirky mistakes.That's a lot of money we're talking about. That's a serious financial judgment issue.But the problem is false accusations, growing isolation, impulsive decisions together create a pattern that deserves your attention. That's why I'm so happy that you wrote in today. This isn't a time to panic.But you also shouldn't dismiss what you've observed just because others haven't seen it yet. When judgment changes before memory becomes obviously impaired, family members often miss the danger until the damage is already done.And unfortunately, I've had to intervene in a lot of those situations. So here's the next thing I want to encourage you, stop arguing about labels and start documenting behavior.Here's the thing, you've already kind of mentioned it. If you lead with dementia, you're probably going to get resistance. You've already said your mother's resisting that.You're going to get defensiveness or you make it outright hostility. Like I hear your mom saying, you're not taking away my independence.I get that as an independent adult, I don't want somebody to take away my independence either. So we've got to have a shift. We've got to shift to something a little bit differently here. We got to shift to diagnosis language.And what I mean by that is concrete examples of these things. Examples of safety concerns, examples of financial issues, examples of medical concerns.The best way to handle that is write a written log, put on there a log with the date, the incident, what the financial loss was, any missed appointments, those accusations, any confusion, and any unusual decisions as part of that.Save emails, save text messages, voicemails, any financial records, when appropriate and lawful, like in your case, that loss of money from that earnest money is a big one. If you've got siblings or trusted relatives that have seen concerning behavior, ask them to document those same things as well.You also might want to reach out to doctors, attorneys, and eventually courts because they can help you respond better to patterns of facts than general statements. But here's the thing you gotta remember, you got to get professional eyes involved in wise, realistic ways.You've already said your mom refuses cognitive testing. You might still be able to communicate concerns to her primary care doctor privately.You might be able to call and say, hey, listen, I know you can't talk about this situation. They're not going to freely discuss her care with you. But you might be able to send some information in. Send in that log we talked about.Send in those emails. Write a concise, factual letter before your mom's next appointment describing the changes you've observed.Because maybe the doctor could then have a conversation with her. But as you're doing that, be very cautious. Focus on behaviors, not conclusions. Say things like this.She lost $30,000 in earnest money after making an offer she never intended to honor. Not just, hey, I think my mom has dementia, the doctor's not going to work with that.Now, if there's an immediate safety issue, if there's financial exploitation, if she's neglecting herself, if she's thinking delusional, that could put her or others at risk, you might need to contact adult protective services right now or local aging agency or even emergency services, depending upon the severity. You might come upon your mom and she is completely out of it.It's not outside the Realm to call 911 at that point she could be having a medical issue like a stroke or something like that. So don't lose sight of that.It's also a great time to consult an elder law attorney in your state, even if you don't have to take any action, legal action right now to go have that meeting with them. Because when a person won't voluntary step towards help, your next step is often quiet preparation behind until you get a louder confrontation.Which means you've got to understand the legal and the financial tools before you need them. This is where a lot of families wait too long. I've seen this so many times. Let's talk about a couple things.A financial power of attorney only works if your mom still has legal capacity and is willing to sign it. A lot of people say, well let me get this power of attorney so mom can sign this.Well, guess what, if she doesn't have the capacity to understand what she's signing, that's going to be of no value.Once that capacity is compromised and she refuses cooperation, the only choice you may have at that point is looking at guardianship or what they call conservatorship and, and that depends on your state law. And that process can be expensive, it can be emotionally painful and it's super time consuming. That's why early legal advice matters.So I would encourage you meet with that elder law attorney now. Learn what those options are, where you live, because every state's different.Learn what documentation you need to keep and what thresholds actually trigger actions. If she's got current accounts or real estate transactions or large summit risk.Ask about what protective steps you can make available right now without overstepping the law. You might want to discuss things like account monitoring, maybe credit freezes.Look at her beneficiaries on her accounts, trusted contact forms at financial institutions and how to respond if exploitation becomes a concern. Unfortunately, I've seen this so many times. Someone will get in this state.Like I had one client, I'll never forget it, she got in this state and every person that had charitable contribution organizations was sending her emails and this lady was writing checks after checks. She was spending money like it was crazy because people were exploiting her.But the best time to learn the legal guardrails is before the next financial fire starts. It's not a good time to put out the fire. You got to figure out how do you protect that.And part of this is also how to protect your heart while you protect what you can still be protective for your mom.And this part hurts because the person you love may still look like themselves on the outside, but they're becoming less like themselves in crucial ways. And be prepared. You might get accused of things, you might get misunderstood, you might get shut out. And all you're doing is trying to help.And that doesn't mean you're wrong. Sometimes loving well in a crisis means being willing to be misread.If you have to, bring in one or two calm, credible people, and especially relatives, maybe your pastor that she trusts, a physician or a longtime friend she still respects, and say, hey, mom, let's have a conversation. But keep your language steady.Focus on the important things, her safety, her support, and wise planning, because you already know if you're trying to take away her independence, if you're trying to take away her control, she's going to battle that. But at the same time, here's another thing you want to consider. Caregiver stress. A lot of people don't think about this.You've got to get support for yourself as well, because that stress can start long before someone officially becomes a caregiver. I hear it in the tone of your voice today. And you're not betraying your parent by taking danger seriously.You're actually honoring them by refusing to ignore it. So if I was walking through this right now, personally, I tell you not to wait for one dramatic collapse before you prepare.Start gathering those facts. Talk to the professionals. Start learning that legal path in your state, and start separating what feels awkward from what is actually wise.Your peace isn't going to come from pretending this isn't happening. Peace is going to come from facing it soberly and faithfully. But I want to take this a little deeper.One of the hardest parts of this situation like this is that grief often shows up before a loss becomes official. And that's what you're really doing right now. You're grieving that relationship you had with your mother.You're grieving those changes that other people may not even recognize yet. You're grieving that trust. You're grieving peace. You're grieving that version of your parent that felt predictable and steady.Hey, as a kid, we look up to mom and dad. They were the rocks. They were the people that were predictable and steady. And then add money to it.And the grief gets mixed with fear, because now you're fearing what they're going to do next. You start to fear how bad. It could get you fear that if you act, you're going to look cruel, you're going to look like the bad guy.But you also have this fear. If you don't, you're going to live with regret. And if that's where you are right now, I want to remind you of something important.God sees all that is is. God sees what's hidden. He also sees that burden you're carrying in private. And he isn't asking you to control everything.He's actually asking you to walk in wisdom, to tell the truth and yes, to take that next faithful step. Sometimes love sounds gentle. Sometimes love sounds firm.And sometimes love starts preparing for a storm before anyone else believes the weather is changing. So here's my encouragement for you today. You don't need perfect certainty to begin wise preparation. Here's your win for today.I want to encourage you to start writing a private written timeline of these concerning incidents. Put the date, put what happened, who witnessed it, and any financial impact.And then schedule one consultation either with her doctor's office to share your concerns or with that elder law attorney in your state. This is a very difficult situation, but I know it's a situation you can get through. Let's get to our Bible verse for today.Our Bible verse for today comes from Ecclesiastes chapter 7, verse 12. It says, for wisdom is a defense, as money is a defense. But the excellency of knowledge is that wisdom gives life to those who have it.Money matters in a situation like this, of course, but wisdom is what helps protect life, it helps protect relationships and it protects the future when difficult decisions have to be made. And unfortunately, I think you're facing some very difficult situations. How about we pray together?Heavenly Father, I lift up the person who's carrying this quiet, painful burden right now. And you know how confusing it is when something feels wrong but everyone else can't see it.You know the fear, you know the grief, that second guessing and that way to trying to protect someone they love. Please give them wisdom that is steady, Lord, and not reactive. Give them courage that is calm and not harsh.Give them this sermon as they document concerns and seek that professional help and make some very difficult decisions. Lord, protect their loved one from further harm. Protect this family from panic and division and deception. And Lord, where the situation feels lonely.Remind them that you are present, faithful and near in all of the storms. Show them the next right step today and give them peace to take it. And I ask this in Jesus name.Amen friend, the kind of burden that you're carrying is heavy and you're not weak for feeling worn down by it. So start early in this, stay factual, get wise counsel, and don't ever wait for total certainty before taking responsible steps.And maybe right now you're watching a loved one make decisions that worry you, or if you're navigating this kind of gray area yourself. I want to hear from you. Leave me a voicemail at financiallyconfidentchristian.com/voicemail.You're not alone in this, and I really want to reach out and help you or help your loved one. Again, that's@financiallyconfidentchristian.com/voicemail. Thank you so much for joining me today.I just want to encourage you to stay financially savvy. May God bless you and you have a truly great day.