It's Not About the Money - How to Find Peace With Your Spouse

Let me paint you a picture and you tell me if you've lived it. It's Tuesday night. The kids are finally down to bed. You're both tired. And then one of you says it. You know the sentence you spent? What?And just like that, you're not sitting on the couch anymore. You're in a courtroom. One of you is the prosecutor. Want to use a defendant, and you've got evidence going back years.I'm talking about bank statements, the thing they bought without asking the time you said we can't afford it and did the same thing. You're not talking about money anymore. You're actually keeping score.And the part that hurts, you go to bed, back to back, same bed, same blanket, two feet apart. And actually you feel like you're on opposite sides of a war. Hello, friend. Welcome to Truth Unveiled with Ralph.I'm Ralph Estep Jr. And I got a message that I could have gotten from a thousand people. It's the common message I hear all the time and went something like this. My spouse and I fight about money constantly. Ralph, what does the Bible say?Well, I'm going to stop right there because if that's your house, you're not broken, and you're not the only ones, and you're not a bad Christian for it. Money is one of the most common things that married couples fight about, dare I say probably the most common thing.Long before this episode happened, and it's going to happen long after this episode is played. The fight was never you against your spouse. It was always the two of you against the problem.And yes, God has a lot to say about which team you're actually on. So let's get right into the word. Right away, we're going to go right to the book of Genesis, chapter 2, verse 24.And this is from the World English Bible. It says this again, Genesis 2. 24. Therefore, a man will leave his father and his mother and will join with his wife, and they will be one flesh.Now, Jesus quotes the same verse in Mark and adds something. Now let's look at Mark, chapter 10, verse 8. And the two will become one flesh, so that they are no longer two, but one flesh.Now, I want you to notice something. I want you to hold on to a phrase there because it is ultra important for our discussion today. No longer two.Now, we're going to come back to that in a few minutes, but let's get right into the beginning of this. Let's talk about the fight. I've been doing this for 30 years. I've sat across a desk from couples that have taught me one thing.The fight is almost never about the money. Now, that might sound crazy to you. There is a real number on this statement. So it is about money. But stay with me.Couples don't fight about the dollars. They fight about what the dollars mean. And I want to go deeper into that, because you've probably heard this a hundred times. We can't afford that.But if I hear that, you know what I hear? I hear I'm failing. I can't provide. I'm not enough. And just like secret spending isn't about the item.It's wanting one thing nobody gets, and that's control. It's kind of like that Nickel Saver acting like the sky is falling somewhere back there.The sky did fall in their world, and they swore they'd never be caught off guard again. Listen to me. You didn't marry a spreadsheet. You married a person who came to you with a whole history that you didn't write.And that's the thing we first need to understand. We all grew up with money lessons we didn't know we were learning. All of us have.All of us watched our parents fight about money and we swore we do something differently. Or maybe we had parents that never talked about it. So that silence feels safe in a relationship and you don't talk about it with your spouse.Maybe you come from a place where you grew up with nothing. So money feels like fear. You're so fearful that you don't have anything. Or maybe you came from a place of plenty. So money feels like freedom.It feels like you're able to exercise your own individuality. But then here's the problem. Two different money stories stand on the altar and say, I do. And there's. That's where the problem starts.And then they run one bank account. And that friction that you have there isn't proof something's wrong. It's that nobody explained to each of you.You each brought a different script to the marriage. That's what this is all about. Each of you came from a different place. That is something that can make you stronger.But if you don't get it figured out, it's going to cause you major problems. Now let's listen to the book of James, because this one stopped me. This is James, chapter four, verse one.It says, where do wars and fighting among you come from? Don't they come from your pleasures, that war in your members? Now, I want to read it slower again because think about what this is saying.It's Saying the war is within you. It's not coming from your spouse. It's from something already at war inside of your own heart.There's going to be a little need for introspection here, because what you're really dealing with is fear. You're dealing with pride and you're dealing with control. And many of those things are old wounds with very deep scars.Your spouse didn't start the war. Usually they just walked into one that was already running in your world from a very young age.Now, it will be easy for me to say that, hey, I'll give you some budgeting tips. But budgeting tips aren't going to fix this. I'm in Delaware.I could give you the best spreadsheet, but still at night, you're going to be back to back. The problem is deeper than the math. So guess what? The answer has to be deeper as well.Now, I want to go to something I talked about on the show a couple weeks ago, and I hope you check that out. If not, we'll put a link in the show notes. But we did our show called But God. So here's the turn.You live like two people with one problem between you. Two accounts, two opinions and two sides. But see, God had a different plan for marriage. We started off at the beginning talking about this.God looked at marriage and said something wild. Let's think about this for a second. He said, you're not two anymore. What does Mark 10:8 say? So they are no longer two, but one flesh.Now, a lot of people don't understand that in today's culture, one flesh isn't just some wedding sediment. It's a design statement. It's what you actually are. You got to stop thinking about independent here, independent there.When you get married in the Christian faith, you actually become one flesh. Think about the sprinter analogy. Your other hand doesn't say, that's your problem. When one part hurts, the whole body responds because it's one body.And if you've been treating marriage like two hands fighting over a wallet, God says something completely different. God says, one body and part of it is hurting while the other just keeps score.When your spouse is drowning in financial fear, and that's most of the time what this is about. It's not about anything other than fear. That's not your opponent going under, you going under.That is your body being harmed because of your spouse's fear. You just haven't felt it yet. And the other thing God says, and I want it tattooed on every marriage, Jesus says it in Matthew look at Matthew 6:21.For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. And notice what the order says here. It says, heart follows treasure, not the other way around. Your bank account isn't just math. It's a heart map.I talk about this on my daily show. Financially confident Christian all the time. Where you spend your money tells me what your heart says.Show me where your money goes and I'll show you what the heart quietly worships. A money fight is two hearts chasing two different treasures. And they're surprised they keep ending up in two different places.Why does that surprise anybody? But the grace is in it. God isn't standing outside your money life with arms crossed looking at you. He wants into that. He wants to be the center.He doesn't want to be the center just on Sunday. He wants to be the center in the checking account. He wants to be the center in the fear.And yes, he wants to be the center on the Tuesday night at the table. Let's look at Ecclesiastes and what happens when you stop doing it alone? This is a beautiful verse from the Bible.It's from Ecclesiastes, chapter 4, verses 9 and 12. It says two are better than one because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow.But woe to him who is alone. When he falls and doesn't have another, lift him up again. If two lie together, then they have warmth. But how can one keep warm alone?If a man prevails against one who is alone, two shall withstand him. And a threefold cord is not quickly broken.And I want to focus on that threefold cord because I want you to really have a mental picture of this picture. Three strands, you, your spouse and God woven down in the middle.Now, a lot of times two strands will come apart under the strain, and you've probably felt that. But God as that third strain through your marriage and your money, the whole thing holds. Think about a rope that's holding some very strong.That's the team, and that's always been the team. That's how you will find success in this issue. It's not about the money. It's about becoming a team.But now you might be saying, okay, great, that sounds good. Ralph, I want to be on the same team. How do you make that happen? You don't want to send your home with a nice feeling and no plan. Here's the thing.I want to give you a plan. I don't want to just inform you. I want to equip. You. I'm going to give you a very practical path.This is the stuff that I walk through couples in my office on a daily basis. Are you ready for this? Now, we'll put a link to this in the show notes, but this is how to get on the same page. Here's step number one.You got to put up the white flags. You got to call a truce and name the real enemy. Before you touch a single number, you've got to agree on one thing out loud.The enemy is not the person across the table. Your spouse, your partner is not the enemy. It's the problem on the table. It's the debt, it's the fear. It's that pattern.The problem is on one side of the table, and both of you are on the other. It's the same team tackling one problem. So we start there. We got to realize that we're both on the same team.If you can't get there, stop what you're doing, because you can't move forward until you agree to being on the same team. But here's the second step. You're going to have to talk and you're going to have to listen. You got to tell each other your money story.Not the fight, not the well, I can't believe you spent this. I can't believe you did this. The story. And it's the same question for each of you. And I actually encourage you to do this exercise.Sit down in a time when you're calm. This isn't a time when the bill just came in and you're looking at that credit card statement and you are hot. Don't do it then.But sit down when you have planned time when you don't have distractions. And ask yourself, what did money feel like in the house where you grew up in? So many people have never asked their spouse that question.What did it feel like? And listen, if you're the one that's asking that question, be quiet. Just sit back and listen. Let your spouse pour out, all of that.I guarantee this will be an emotional situation for most of us. And then once you let that person do that, I encourage you to do the same thing. Put it all out on the table. Here's what I grew up with.Here's what I came from. And then ask yourself the next question. What did you learn without being taught? Because here's the thing.I don't think your parents intentionally went out and said, I'm going to teach you faith, fear. I'm going to teach you silence. I'm going to teach you shame. I'm going to teach you control.But that's what you learned because you didn't know any different.And when you understand, and when you truly understand why your spouse grips money the way that they do, you stop seeing them as an opponent and you start to see that kid, that little kid who learned something a long time ago. And when you realize that these scars go way back. That's where compassion comes back.And listen, this isn't going to happen in a 30 minute conversation. This isn't going to happen overnight. This is something you're going to have to sit down to let the guard down and just let your emotions flow.It's not about judgments, it's not about keeping score. It's not about, well, the last time you did, you got to stop that stuff and just lay it out.The fears, the control, the insecurity, the shame that so many people live. It's not about the money. If you hear nothing else I say today, it's not about the money.But once you do that, this is a process you've got to keep moving forward with. I'm going to encourage you to get a regular money date.Now you might be thinking, wait a second, Ralph, you're talking about going on a date to talk about money? Yes. And this isn't some ambush. This isn't like, oh, my spouse spent so much money last week, I can't wait till our money date this week.I am going to let them have it. It's not that. No, we need to talk. In a hard week, you got to set time in a low pressure, maybe for you.You sit down over a cup of coffee, a cup of tea, look at the numbers together on purpose. Not to complain, not to pick each other apart, but to go through it and say, okay, here's the reality. How does that make you feel?What are your fears? How does it make you feel? Control wise. But if you schedule it, it feels safe.If it's sprung on you, it feels like, oh, there's a fight getting ready to start. So plan that. But I don't think having the meeting alone is going to be enough.So I'm going to talk to you about another thing here and it's actually a project I'm working on in my daily show and it's called Give Every dollar a Job. But this is the time to come together as one. What did the Bible say? You're one flesh, so you got to be at the middle of this.I truly believe the way to solve this is to Give every dollar a job that you both agree to. So many people hear the word budget and they go, oh, that's restriction. That means I can't, that means I won't.A budget isn't a leash one holds you on. It's a plan. And if you want to make this work in a marriage, it's a plan you both got to sign, you both got to agree to.Every dollar has a job you decided together. So there's nothing left to fight over. You already had the conversation before the money was even spent.And it moves those arguments from the kitchen table at 9 o' clock at night to the table on your money day date talk when you can actually think it through. So give every dollar a job, build that budget, build that intentional spending plan. But then we've got to set some rules of engagement.I used to play football and I loved football. Now, football was one of those sports where there was rules, there was referees.We didn't go out onto the football field and throw grenades at each other because there was a set of expectations. Well, if you want your relationship to work, you've got to set rules of engagement. Now I'm going to give you some. And these are biblically based.Every couple needs a few of these. And God gives us one of the best. This is in Ephesians, chapter 4, verse 26.See, I'm bringing it all back to the word because that's where we have to start. It says in Ephesians 4. 26, Be angry and don't sin. Don't let the sun go down on your wrath. Now, let's talk turkey.What this really means, because a lot of people think, oh, I can't be angry at my spouse. No, you can be angry at your spouse. You're allowed to be frustrated, you're allowed to be upset, you're allowed to have fear.You're allowed to feel like things are out of control, but you're not allowed to go to bed as enemies. That back to back enemies thing isn't going to work.You can disagree about a number and still reach across the mattress and say, you know what, honey, we're on the same team. We're going to figure this out tomorrow. That works for both of us. That right there, that's the whole thing.Two people, people who decided the marriage matters more than being right about the money. That's the big thing. In the end, you have a commitment to this marriage first. Why? Because you're one flesh. What choice do you have in the end?Think about it. If you're one flesh. When your partner hurts, you hurt. When your partner has fear, you have fear.When your partner feels like they're being controlled, you're being controlled. And when your partner's feeling like they're being shamed, you're being shamed. Get on the same page. Now.I want to talk, I want to slow down a little bit and I want to talk to your heart for a second. I want you to go back and think about when you fight with, when you fight with your spouse about money, who are you actually fighting?We've talked about this a little bit already. Are you fighting your spouse or are you fighting that fear you carried long before you met them?What's that money story you've never told the person you married? You maybe never had that conversation about? When I was a kid, the lights got turned off, our car got repossessed.We never knew if we were going to have food or not. The things that you learned as a kid. Listen to me, that kid is still inside of you.And some of the things you need to say out loud and you need to tell your spouse. But now let's go a little deeper than that because there's a harder one here. And I gotta admit, I'm guilty on this one.When you keep score all the time, when you pull out those old receipts and failure start naming them one by one, what are you really trying to win? Because think about it. If we agree as Christians, we agree we've become one flesh. So if you're attacking the other person, who are you attacking?You're attacking yourself. I have never seen somebody win that fight. I've only seen people win it and lose the person in the battle.Those fights are never going to get you anywhere. You're going to lose those because you're fighting against yourself. But how about where's your treasure? This one hurts a little bit. This one stings.Most people that I talk to, I want to encourage you to follow the money for a week because it's going to tell you where your heart's been living. Is that where you want your heart to live? Look at where your money goes. Look at where the spending goes.Because what does the Bible tell us that's where your heart is. But I'm going to give you my truth unveiled moment for the week. Your money fight was never a battle between the two of you.It never was, it never will be. It was two hearts carrying two different fears and forgetting they were one flesh. God never asked you to win against your spouse.He asked you to weave him in as a third strand. In fact, we're going to release a song this week and it's all about being that third strand and become an accord that doesn't break.We'll put a link to it in the show notes, but I encourage you to check it out because we write music for every one of our episodes here. Because I think it's one thing to hear it, it's another thing to reflect on the music behind that. That's what God wants from you.He wants you to have a strand that's unbreakable. You, your spouse and him now. But I want to get honest for a minute before we close today.We've talked about inviting God into the center of your marriage and your money. But maybe right now you've never invited him into the center of you.And maybe you've been holding your whole life together with just two strands, just you and your effort. And you're tired and it keeps prompting apart. That strand keeps breaking under the strain, friend.That's the ache that God's been reaching for the whole time. And he sent Jesus so you'd never have to hold it all alone. God wants to be that strand down the center of everything you are.He wants to hold it together for you. He wants to give you strength. If you've never done that before, if you've never accepted Christ as your personal savior, guess what?You can settle that right now. It doesn't take some fancy words. You just have to talk to him one on one. You can spray something like this.And I encourage you right now, if you've reached a point where you need God, you need to reach out to him. I'm going to encourage you to pray with me right now.Just say this, God, I've been trying to do my life on my own strength and it keeps falling apart. I believe you sent Jesus for me, Lord. And I'm asking you tonight, right wherever I am right now, Lord, to forgive me.I ask you to come into the center of my life, Lord, and be that strand that holds me together. I'm giving you me, all of it. Amen.Now, friend, if you prayed that and you truly meant it in your heart, you took the most important step of your life and I celebrate with you. I want to hear from you. I encourage you to find a church, tell somebody, reach out to us at truthunveilwithralph.com/decision again.We'll put that in the show notes, but that's truthunveilwithralph.com/decision because I want to stand with you, the people on my team, we want to stand with you, we want to pray with you, and we want to encourage you because you have just made the most impactful, beneficial decision of your life. And it will change your life if you lean into it it. Now, here's what I want you to carry out of here today. You're not two anymore.The question started, Ralph, how does the Bible talk about handling money as a couple? First thing, you're one flesh. If your wife is hurting, if your husband is hurting, you're hurting. Stop keeping score. Start helping each other.Your bank account is a heart map. It's where your treasure is, and that's where your heart is going. And remember, a cord of three strands is not quickly broken.It's you, your spouse, and God running right down the middle of that. Maybe right now, your heart speak into you and you know things are not right with your partner.I want to encourage you right now, go home, wave the white flag, call a truce and sit down together and name the real enemy. Take some time. Be vulnerable. Be honest. Tell each other your money story and listen to me. Too many marriages end in divorce because of this.Don't dare let the sun go down tonight with the two of you as enemies. That's my prayer right now. You are on the same team you always were. And trust me, you can be on that same team again.If you love each other and you're willing to work at this, you can solve this. I promise you with that. Well, let's pray together.Father, I'm thinking about the couple listening to this in two different rooms right now in the same house. And, Lord, I'm just asking you with your superpower to bring them back to the same table, Lord, and I know it's not going to to be easy.So right now, for the one who's terrified, Lord, who's lying awake doing the math in the dark, I just ask that you would give them peace, Lord, and courage to say out loud to the person next to them what they're really feeling.And, Lord, for that partner who feels controlled, who just wanted one thing that was theirs, help them to surrender to a spouse who loved them and realize that isn't a cage. And for the one caring shame over a financial mistake, Lord, all of us have made these. Maybe it's that debt they hid, Lord.I know that your grace covers that, too. And their spouse is meant to be the safest place to find it, Lord. And I just want to take an extra minute here.And for the couple that stopped talking, Lord, that couple that's gone quiet because it's easier then the fight. Give them back their words, Lord. Give them that gentleness and that grace.And Lord, for that marriage hanging on by two thin strands fraying apart, Lord, I just ask that you would be that third strand tonight, Lord. Weave yourself into that marriage. Hold together what they can't. Make them one, Lord. Make them on the same team with you at the center.And I ask this in Jesus name. Amen, friend. If this one hit close to home, I want to encourage you to do something.I want you to send it to a couple that you love, a couple that you know might be handing them the same situation. You might be handing them the words that they need that they couldn't find until right now. Send them a link to the show. It's super simple to do.To send them an email, say, hey, listen, we just heard this. I know you and such and such are dealing with this. And subscribe to the show. Make sure you don't miss what's coming.I'm going to be talking about some wonderful topics, some deep topics over the next few weeks that are going to impact where you are in your world. Because in the end, I don't just want you informed. I want you equipped every week. I want to give you real tools. I want to show you real confidence.And I want you to know that there's real change that can happen, just like today when you finally accept that you're one flesh, you're one team and one cord that holds it all together. And I just want to encourage you right now to keep seeking the truth and let it set you free.May God bless you and I'll see you the next time on the show.